Learning to face and accept your struggle

Since For some reason on tiktok a lot of people have been discussing suicide I figured I might as well talk about it too hopefully this reaches somebody who needs to hear it this is something that hits too close to home considering after my mom passed away I kind of fell into a depressive state and in November 2015 those thoughts were floating through my mind because at the time I wanted something that I couldn’t have.

Yesterday on August 11th I had gone to make deliveries try to achieve my quota and I was in an area of the city that was too familiar to me the point where I wanted to get out of that area to prevent Uber from sending me to place I didn’t want to go in a previous post I spoke about dealing with and accepting my cerebral palsy but five years ago I worked for a company that I absolutely loved and believed in and I wanted to move up in ranks I felt like because of my disability they would never be able to see my potential in ranks.

December 2015 I battle with the idea of committing suicide which every time I think back about it actually brings me to tears and shame that I was ever at that place, to begin with, to make it worse it was over something as stupid as a position I was passed over three times by people who I trained I was warned by my supervisor that no one was ever going to give me a promotion I should have listened but I thought I could persevere I failed and I was wrong.

There have been other people in my life that I know has been through depression I was actually worried about a friend who is talking about killing himself luckily he got a cat instead but back to the topic at hand today I had to face my demons so I text one of my old supervisors and apologized for being so difficult with him in the past for allowing my insecurities to effect him and the team I did this to hopefully move on and stop focusing on the past to no longer be ashamed of the things that I couldn’t control.

It was so bad I decided to go to California and stay in a Christian Rehabilitation home where I worked and lived for 6 months until I got better spoiler I didn’t and when I returned I chose to work at a job that until this day I know I’m unqualified to do and even hate because I couldn’t go back to a job I loved because I wanted to avoid pain and for a long time I avoided an area for the same reason.

This message is not about me as much as there is a lot of I and me in it this message is for anyone who may feel inadequate or who’s depressed because of whatever reason or even ashamed my message to you is don’t be ashamed all the things you cannot change but rather adapt to your reality and change it that way is that it gets better eventually your life has value unless your pedo then, in that case, you still need to get help.

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Working with a disability

Writing this blog has to be the hardest one I’ve ever written because it hits close to home since I have cerebral palsy It was something I never would admit to my employers because it was something that I personally was ashamed about.

Being the son of a restaurant owner I always took pride in the fact that I was working, which is another reason why I would never say anything because when I did people talk to me like I was a child like I didn’t understand what they were saying that’s not something I wanted, I wanted to feel normal however as I’ve been reminded several times over the years there is no such thing as normal.

I lack the strength, balance, and speed so I am limited to somethings like riding a bicycle, lifting heavy objects, push-ups and fighting so the fact that I’m a security guard By night and postmates delivery guy by day is unbelievable.

Despite my limitations I always aspired to move up and I never felt sorry for myself until I was denied the opportunity to move up after training three people that moved up before I did and this is where it got hard to the point I became severely depressed that I felt so useless that entertained the idea of taking my own life Because of it.

I’ve learned to accept who I am and realize that there are people who are worst off than me and they are doing great things Which means although limited there are no limits Heck there was a guy named John Quinn who had cerebral palsy was in the military he even wrote a book about it may be impossible for some but I realize we get through if he did it anyone could.

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So if you’re reading this and you’re disabled Whether you’re a vet, Accident victim or just someone was born with it whatever your disability is you still have value and Merritt.
thanks for reading

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