Learning to face and accept your struggle

Since For some reason on tiktok a lot of people have been discussing suicide I figured I might as well talk about it too hopefully this reaches somebody who needs to hear it this is something that hits too close to home considering after my mom passed away I kind of fell into a depressive state and in November 2015 those thoughts were floating through my mind because at the time I wanted something that I couldn’t have.

Yesterday on August 11th I had gone to make deliveries try to achieve my quota and I was in an area of the city that was too familiar to me the point where I wanted to get out of that area to prevent Uber from sending me to place I didn’t want to go in a previous post I spoke about dealing with and accepting my cerebral palsy but five years ago I worked for a company that I absolutely loved and believed in and I wanted to move up in ranks I felt like because of my disability they would never be able to see my potential in ranks.

December 2015 I battle with the idea of committing suicide which every time I think back about it actually brings me to tears and shame that I was ever at that place, to begin with, to make it worse it was over something as stupid as a position I was passed over three times by people who I trained I was warned by my supervisor that no one was ever going to give me a promotion I should have listened but I thought I could persevere I failed and I was wrong.

There have been other people in my life that I know has been through depression I was actually worried about a friend who is talking about killing himself luckily he got a cat instead but back to the topic at hand today I had to face my demons so I text one of my old supervisors and apologized for being so difficult with him in the past for allowing my insecurities to effect him and the team I did this to hopefully move on and stop focusing on the past to no longer be ashamed of the things that I couldn’t control.

It was so bad I decided to go to California and stay in a Christian Rehabilitation home where I worked and lived for 6 months until I got better spoiler I didn’t and when I returned I chose to work at a job that until this day I know I’m unqualified to do and even hate because I couldn’t go back to a job I loved because I wanted to avoid pain and for a long time I avoided an area for the same reason.

This message is not about me as much as there is a lot of I and me in it this message is for anyone who may feel inadequate or who’s depressed because of whatever reason or even ashamed my message to you is don’t be ashamed all the things you cannot change but rather adapt to your reality and change it that way is that it gets better eventually your life has value unless your pedo then, in that case, you still need to get help.

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I used to struggle with depression a lot blaming myself for things that were not my control loss of a job family feud and the feeling of uselessness after being passed over for promotion a third time it also didn’t help that my mother had just passed away although in the beginning it made me more determined because I knew I had to take care of my family. Being disabled which is something that I’ve always tried to hide from my employers in 2016 I took a six-month sabbatical and I worked for another company in San Francisco while there I decided to try to come to terms with cerebral palsy and tried to except that I would never move up in the world unless I had my own before that my life felt meaning less I started to believe in the lie that my life had no value and the truth is I’m not the only one that feels this way people commit suicide for different reasons because they believe it’s not gonna get any better the truth is it’s just a Permanent solution to a temporary problem so whatever your reason is no three things one your life has value to things will get better and three talk to someone you’re not alone. Reach out to suicide hotline at (800)237-talk 1-800-237-8255